Life Changes Lead to Menu Changes

Sunday, April 1 | Food Fight Weekly News

Madison, Wisconsin — Early Sunday morning, local businessman Peter McElvanna announced that he’d been impersonating an Irishman for nearly 30 years. After the unexpected revelation, the newly unburdened McElvanna has stated that his restaurant— The Coopers Tavern — will be undergoing “a spiritual renewal as deep as my own”.

“After getting the secret off my chest, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders”, says McElvanna. “And I’ve decided it was exactly the same thing the tavern needed.” The restaurant’s menu will shift from heavier pub food to a ‘brighter’ fare, explains the merry manager. “I want the food to feel as light as my conscience. I’m thinking salads, fruit smoothies, and cupcakes.”

“Do you remember when Starbucks had that unicorn frappuccino?” asks the radiant restaurateur. “That’s how my soul feels — magical. I want customers to eat our food and think ‘this is what sunshine tastes like.’”

In addition to a menu of sprinkles and love, McElvanna also wants to shift the emphasis from beer to non-alcoholic beverages. “There are so many new and exciting craft juiceries and sparkling water producers now” exclaims the elated abstainer. “I think it’s time they get their fair share of tap handles.”

After a long conversation with the buoyant baron, it was clear he believed the changes would be for the best. “It’s funny, really” he says chipperly. “After admitting to myself that I wasn’t Irish, I feel like I’ve finally found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.”