BREAKING NEWS: Ed Sheeran Aliases As Local Chef

Sunday, April 1 | Food Fight Weekly News

Madison, Wisconsin — In a bizarre string of breaking news stories from local watering hole The Coopers Tavern, — read here and here — proprietor Peter McElvanna has now stated that for years his kitchen has been run by none other than world-famous British pop singer, Ed Sheeran. Locally, Mr. Sheeran goes by the name of Cooper Booth.

When asked how on earth McElvanna managed to convince Sheeran to take up the apron as Booth, McElvanna jokingly said “The same way I hooked my wife: he fell in love with my accent” referring to his formerly donned Irish brogue.

“Honestly, when Ed began here, he was a nobody.” says McElvanna. “He worked his way up from a line cook. I suspect his raw and soulful voice had something to do with it. Probably had something to do with his international fame, as well.”

McElvanna recalls how Sheeran/Booth would sing about life on the line “He could take any mundane thing and turn it into something beautiful. Perfect, for instance, is about Fish and Chips. No, really. Ed loves those crispy wedges.”

“Shape of You was written about our pretzels” McElvanna claims. “I think it came to him as he was on dough folding duty one day.”

McElvanna told us that Sheeran would be away for a while at an undisclosed location. We reached out to Mr. Sheeran through email to inquire about his alter ego, Mr. Booth.

Sheeran stated in his email “I don’t think I’m quite ready to come out to the community about my identity, but I know Peter really wanted to Dive into his own personal examinations and he’s really feeling this revelation thing. He seems like a New Man. I think he’s Happier when he’s telling the truth. I just didn’t expect him to take an Eraser to my secrets.”

We asked what was next for him now that his identity as Cooper Booth was no longer. “What Do I Know?” he said. “How Would You Feel? I suppose this would be an appropriate time to work on Minus.”